Please remove your English hat and put on your street pidgin English hat to understand this tori…
(Conversation between Saddam residing in Indonesia and Ghaddafi who lives in Malaysia):
Saddam: Ghaddafi how far na? Whats the levels…
Ghaddafi: brotherly I dey mehn…na just some small winches and wizards but as a rugged street boy i go overcome.
Saddam: hmmm…how far na? wetin dey shele as per bird wey arrive your area na? shebi I call you and you confirm say bird drop no shaking? You give fone to my courier she confirm say una receive and d market don clear? How come u never tidy the kishi as we agree na?
Ghaddafi: chairman u calm down abeg. Yes i confam say bird drop and i carry market but my distributors na dem get shaking. My main man wey na ’em dey spread the market give the street distributors, dem bust him crib. Right now everywhere just scatter…me sef never fit arrange every….
Saddam: abeg quiet your mouth there! This no be wetin we talk! You call me say make i arrange market of $500,000k. U talk say u go drop $90k upfront and when bird fall, you go drop another $200,000k and say make i give you one month you go bring the rest. This na over two weeks now …every time I call you na so so story…how e take concern me say dem bust your front man? Abi no be ur work to clear road before bird show? How that one take affect contract wey me and you reach?
Ghaddafi: bros i know wetin me and you agree but you know as street be…no be wetin u go call me for phone begin rake me…
Saddam: Shebi na rake i dey so? you sef forget say market na buy i buy am abi? You sef forget say e get men wey i need settle inside d deal abi? Ok as e don be so, i no dey call you again. If you no provide my balance kishi before two weeks go so…make i never say anything…
Ghaddafi: you dey threaten me?…
Saddam angrily hangs up…
(Saddam calls one of his old time pals by the nickname hunter in malaysia):
Saddam: Hun-tee wetin dey happen na? U sef no fit call me unless I call you?
Hunter: Choi! Oga mi too rugged! Your boy loyal! Oga mi XY, anything for your boy?
Saddam: hahahaha u no well…aswear u never change! How your side? how that way?
Hunter: mi rugged XY i just dey ohhh…we just dey push am small small…
Saddam: abeg e get wetin i want make u do…u sabi Ghaddafi? One guy wey been dey head green men that time for ekpoma? wey him broda been dey uniben with us?
Hunter: haba! who na sabi Ghaddafi? me and am meet for club this weekend sef…omo ehhh if you see him table…na so e just dey pop ace of spades champagne dey throway inside club! E carry 5 russian gals follow body. All those girls wey be say some dey charge person like $1k hang with them for night! Omo the guy dey hot this period….na him name dey reign now!
Saddam…ehn ehnnnnn na wa! See this bastard don die mehn men money dey malaysia dey form big boy?
Hunter: Shuuu…wetin happen? mi XY gimme gist abeg….
Saddam: wait make i call u for whatsapp abeg…me no fit yarn some kain thing for my normal line.
He hangs up and conntinues call via whatsapp:
Saddam: Omo you no go believe say we send market to that maga and until now e never return money! E dey tell me say sharks bust them carry d market!
Hunter: mi XY na wa for u! How person go give u that kain yarn u beleive am? The guy hot this period…in fact him too hot sef! We no get any intel for street say sharks bust anybody! That na levels wey him give u make e for die market also die kishi.
Saddam: hmmm…how una levels that way? una still dey roll tight abi?
Hunter: sure things mi XY…once a soldier always a soldier…
Saddam: abeg send me details how i go take send u small sontin…i want make u mobilize some men….make una first go knock him door tell am say na me send una and say una money dey for d bird wey land…tell am say una dey give am two weeks to bring the kishi or give una d remaining market!
Hunter: my XY too too rugged! i believe you die! you know say i fit run the levels for you even if you no send me anything but i go send you details now by whatsapp. I greet you mi rugged XY.
Saddam: i hail brotherly…call me when una don block am…
Following day, hunter calls his XY aka Saddam to give him update:
Hunter: mi XY…i hail…omo we reach the guy place ohhh e come be say him place empty…we come follow some Kenyan babes wey dey stay same flat talk dem come say d guy don move…say him don enter naija yesterday night ohh!
Saddam: Omo see this ungrateful bastard? So this guy don sell market almost three times wetin i supply am carry money enter naija go flex, now leave me to dey battle my suppliers?
Hunter: chairman…see…just gimme the job…i get boys wey loyal for naija…na to just track am…dem go find am…na to ask our set guys for lagos and benin…to find am no go hard na…abi u no trust me again? why my name be hunter?
Saddam: gimme account for Nigeria, I go control money enter the account. Abeg find the guy…but i no want d market or kishi again…the fact say him dey enter naija e no tell me be say him don plan move with the money now call me mugu. Find the monkey, delete am. Once i confam say una don remove am, I go send u another payment.
Hunter: oga mi rugged XY…consider it done…orders is orders…you too rugged!
One month later:
Breaking News: A Malaysian based businessman was shot dead while having dinner with his pregnant wife and only son at his Lekki apartment. Reason behind the killing hasn’t been properly ascertained but preliminary investigation suggests gang related killing. Details shortly.